Men have it easier (or how we are screwed)
Last weekend I was invited to join some friends for a gathering. They already had made a plan to do some crafts, have lunch and then drinks, and I was told to join when I wanted. They asked me to get some beers on the way, which is cool because it makes you think they will be waiting for you with open arms.
When I got there and saw who were there, I was a little confused. They were five women and one man. I knew most of them, so it was strange they didn't invite me from the very beginning, even if they didn't know whether I was going to be interested in doing crafts - I was, pity. It was even more strange that the other guy was invited. I know him good enough to know he is not into this kind of things - or he will not let it show.
I got it then. This was not like any of our usual gatherings - it was an excuse for the singles to get to know each other (I would be inquired about single male friends later). I'm still unsure why I was invited later, maybe they thought there would be too much tension on the guy and I would alleviate it while not rivaling with him since I'm not in the market. Anyway, I found the situation amusing.
We had lunch and we decided to go somewhere else for coffee. At this point, the other guy went home and I stayed with the ladies as the only dude and, just a few minutes after we sat in the cafeteria, things got funnier.
"Listen. We were talking about it and we want to hear about your experience with dating apps."
Yep, there I was, feeling the five of them turning their attention to me and nowhere to hide. There were a bunch of questions of different kinds, like:
"What are the stereotypical profiles of women like?"
"Is it bikini photos like guys with no t-shirt?"
"When was the last time you were on the apps?"
"Did you meet your partner there?"
Yes, it was getting personal.
"When it didn't work, why was it?"
"Did you have sex on the first date? What happened after?"
Hell, it got intimate. I knew I could stop them anytime just avoiding answering or refusing openly, but I wasn't feeling pressured or anything, and maybe that's why I wasn't feeling so anxious. I just did as I try to do here (be authentic, honest) but that time I did it face to faces (let me feel proud of it for a second).
Then, there were some debating and comments. The usual, really:
"Things are so bad in the apps."
"I am no longer on them."
"I think men just have it easier..."
This last one took me by surprise.
"There are way more men than women in the apps. No way we have it easier."
"I mean, to find someone suitable, with clear ideas of life, ready for a relationship."
I was getting triggered here, you know, kinda annoyed, so I had to answer to that. And so I did, but I actually took a moment to think about it, about my experience:
"Yes, I think you are right."
It felt weird to say it - wrong in a way. I felt like forfeiting fair treatment for men and sex equality. Dating apps suck for everyone (sorry, it is here where I realized I am speaking from a normative gender perspective, but there is a reason), but I understand it goes beyond that.
Yes, we men have it easier. She is right, they are generally more prepared for a relationship and we are not. This is what makes the difference.
I went on. "It's true, we men lack emotional education."
"Emotional education? strange..."
"Well I meant to say emotional intelligence, but it is just that. We grow up and may reach our thirties yet we are never taught how to process and deal with our feelings. Many times we are only surrounded by other guys who also know nothing and don't talk about it, so we only get to learn once we get into a relationship with a woman."
There was a moment of silence then - a pause for reflection.
We didn't go further down that road, but I know they understood. It is not a secret that, at least up to my generation, men have been deprived of a healthy relationship with our emotions. We were told to behave like a man, giving us an emotional tool belt with all hammers - I was raised on the idea that I should go through my problems by being big and strong and keeping my chin up. Some of us, if not most, will die with an emotional dictionary as varied as the colors in our wardrobe.
I don't feel like going on with examples and metaphors. It really pains me for I realize what I had to go through to regain some of my feelings - the death of my father.
Instead, I will take the opportunity to thank women, or whoever takes that role of significant other that, having a proper emotional education, give us a glimpse of a better felt life.
Yes, we may have it better.
We are the ones who (would) feel it the most.