I hate that I like my job (again)
I just don't want to like what so recently have been hating.
Things happened in my life and I (my mental health) took a big hit. I went through one of those moments in life when you can't unsee what matters and what not. What life is about, and what is stealing your life. From this perspective, I was put in the situation of taking on some work challenges. Keeping it short; I failed.
I was gaslit, told to be good at nothing, labeled as a low performer, casted aside... They even questioned how I was dealing with my mental health issues. My precarious self just couldn't fight back. I just gave up any sense of pride and kept going as a shadow of the employee I once was.
For many months I just hold there, interiorizing their point of view, making me feel worthless, not good enough for that place or any other. I had no hope at work, but I had hope on me and my work on myself. I endured this situation at faced it as an opportunity to detach my feeling of self worth from my work. It was not easy but, in a way, I thrived.
Months later, I am stronger, yet I am not the greatest of the stoics. I still felt frustrated, repressed, knowing I could be doing more than I am allowed to. So, when I finally got a chance of doing my thing, a piece of my pride was restored.
It is good to enjoy my job, even if just some parts, but i find myself enjoying it too much at times, feeling like I could push harder. I could be shinning, achieve big things. Just push some more... but wait. This is how it started, by being an overachiever, while I could. I let my work be a (big) pillar of my self esteem, and when I fell into burnout, they took it fell apart.
I can't let myself like my job. I feel the pressure to perform and I see the chance of being liked again. But I also know the fragility of my strength, I see the risk of falling back to deriving my worth from work. To be honest, I resent them. I might forgive, but surely I'm not going to forget.
I don't have a solution to this. It is all too recent, and everything could change so fast. Healing still needs to be done and then I may be at peace with it, with them. I may forgive. I may feel not only strong but also solid, and I may just leave.
Nowadays, I just hate not being able to like my job.